10 Music Events to Expect in the ’10s

FACT: Flying cars do not exist.

Sucks, doesn’t it? In 1999, the powers that be were all like, “Oh, it’s almost 2000. Time to get rolling on those flying cars. A promise is a promise.” But then, someone else (Steve Jobs, probably) was like, “Cars, man? Let’s work on phones instead.” And the flying car scientists (or whatever) were like, “Whatever you say, Steve Jobs. People probably would rather have small phones than partake in the miracle of human flight, makes sense.” Mooo. The scientists fell into Jobs’ web of lies, shelved the flying car blueprints, and got to work on those tiny telephones. And so, here we are – almost 2010, and all of our vast, 21st-century space-age technology has been directed towards phones. “What about Mars?” “Why visit Mars when you can call it?”

ALSO FACT: We at Stereo Subversion still dream and believe in predicting the future. Technology isn’t really our forte (I’m writing this article on a chalkboard) but we know a thing or two about music. We may not be heeded, but if these do not come to fruition, then it will not be owing to any faults on our part, but only to the small-mindedness of today’s musicians. Without further ado, 10 Music Things That Will Happen in the ’10s.

1. In 2013, in some quiet college bar, a slightly inebriated freshman will pocket her fake ID, finish her amaretto sour, and slur out “gawd, I love Katy Perry” as “I Kissed a Girl” plays overhead. It will be the last time Katy Perry’s name is ever said aloud before her celebrity is surrendered to time’s fickle clutches.

2. In 2011, Pandora will hire DJ Tweet for in-between song banter, start sponsoring concert ticket giveaways, show up at malls and high school fundraisers for live coverage, start a Sunday afternoon Top 10 Countdown, become an FM station, only to wake up one terrible morning to discover that the gnawing hole in the i-pit of its e-stomach is the awful realization that it’s become the very thing it hates the most.

3. Around 2017, all of the world’s cryogenic and cloning technology (there will be an app for that) will be harnessed and pooled in a so-crazy-it-just-might-work scheme to recreate the Jackson 5 using only reanimated Michael Jackson clones.

4. In 2014, Scarlett Johansson will release an album of Nick Drake covers. Not to be outdone, Keira Knightley will release an album of Portishead covers, Emma Watson will release an album of Pixies covers, Megan Fox will release an album of Springsteen covers, and Rachel Bilson will release an album of Miley Cyrus covers. Also in 2014, Miley Cyrus will be considered worthy of being mentioned in the same sentence as Portishead, the Pixies, and Springsteen.

5. In 2012, the world will end. However, humanity’s sole survivor will reboot earth by traveling to the furthest ends of the universe in a yellow submarine to rescue and combine the magics of music’s Five Most Powerful Artifacts: Janet Jackson’s boob, Johnny Cash’s middle finger, a single tear of Conor Oberst’s, a Sigur Rós to English Dictionary, and Zooey Deschenel’s whimsical smirk.

6. In 2018, Bono will tire of living for only himself and attempt to draw attention to the AIDS crisis in Africa – an issue growing concern among the nation’s leaders.

7. In 2016, Kanye West will wake up one morning in his tiny but tidy seaside cottage in upstate Oregon, and reflect drowsily on the sun-dappled patterns that flit through the softly swaying tree branches, pierce his bedroom window and then dart coyly about the lightly-freckled face of his darling wife, the still-sleeping Taylor Swift.

He will graze one finger across her porcelain cheek and she will smile gently, wrinkling her nose just so before snuggling up closer to him and sighing gently, her breath purring out sweeter than any spring breeze. And Kanye will think, not for the first time, that if there is, indeed, a God, then he is a good one, to deal out such tender treasures to the least deserving. And life, though it has had its share of trouble, has only made him harder, faster, and stronger.

8. In 2015, Jack White will have joined every band.

9. In 2019, Radiohead will release a new album. It will be purely conceptual, played out in the everyday paranoia of the world’s mindless automatons. If you want to listen to it, you will have to wean yourself off of pre-programmed routines and faux-saccharine smiles and know yourself for the doomed chunk of chemical desires that you are. But the album will go entirely unnoticed because by then it will be too late. We will all be machines in a hell of our own making.

10. In the early 2010’s Music will be great. Much greater than it’s ever been. Bach and Beethoven will be revealed to be only the early growing pains of Music, awkward hiccups in its early adolescence which will be surpassed altogether – quite nearly forgotten – by 2011 (2012 at the latest.)

However, during the mid 2010’s – probably 2015 to be exact – Music will get cocky. It’ll get lazy and start thinking more about the business than the fans. In fact, Music will start thinking that it doesn’t need the fans (oh, Music will say that the fans are all that matters, but its constant string of soggy, color-by-numbers pop will suggest otherwise.) Though Music has always enjoyed a good time, its newfound obsession with booze and acid will concern Music’s close friends, and discomforting pictures will surface on the web. Music’s parents will fret. Music’s longtime girlfriend will pack the kids and leave. Fans will gripe about new Music versus old Music, and, in return, Music will post drunken mind-Tweets about those fans (Twitter will be entirely psychic in the mid 2010’s.)

Music will jump the shark. Music will hop genres unsuccessfully. Music will become ironic to the point of complete non-irony. By the end of the 2010’s, Music will be living on its ex’s couch, a washed up has-been, watching Office reruns and reading ten-year old magazine reviews to console itself. It will sob over bygone days, nurse hazy flashbacks of days when it was young and happy, and wonder why life is so long.

*Tyler Huckabee is grateful for the invaluable predictive abilities of Joshua Dugue, Doug Cook, and Lewis Knudsen – without whom these would have all been made up.

Tagged as: 2009 Year End

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